The Cable Guy

Where I work, the IT department is a one man show. What's really great about him is the level of comfort he has with machines. Everyone else's machines. 

I'm there sitting and working on my laptop when suddenly my attention is diverted to my right. I turn back to find the IT guy typing some text on MY laptop. THATS MY LAPTOP. You'd kind of expect him to excuse himself and come up with half a reason for meddling with my laptop right? Anyway this kind of eccentric behavior isn't new to me so I carry on conversing with my colleague.  2 minutes later he disappears with an unsaved document on my desktop. I hit "ALT f4".

Ten minutes of peace. He then reappears with another laptop, pulls out my power cable and connects it to the laptop he just brought. He then places the damn thing on MY TABLE. MY TABLE. Then he disappears again, without a word, into the darkness of his home, the server room. 

Such is life

What do you do when you buy a 30,000 phone? You feel nice for a bit. Then you go ahead and drop it on the concrete. 

Such is life

Having moved from a PC to a Mac about a year ago, I have a tendency to brag a little. I tell people that its far far superior than the PC. In fact I tell people that it's been so great for me that I waste no more time reinstalling software, reinstalling operating systems, partitioning hard drives, losing data, rectifying system crashes, hitting ctrl+alt+delete... blah blah. You get the drift. It's true. I haven't wasted any time doing any of that with my mac in the last one year. 

But today I was humbled when my mac hung for the 20th time. No comments please. 

 

Nikon vs Canon

Right now, we're only talking about SLRs. Not 'point and shoots'. That's another discussion I don't really care for.

Let me start this note with one simple fact. It's not the camera that makes great pictures. It's the photographer. A good photographer can take better pictures with a point and shoot than an idiot with the best SLR money can buy. But if you did want to buy a camera, which one would you finally shell out money for?

I've asked this question to a lot of people myself. Some swear by Nikon. Others use 'Nikon' as a swear word. You fuckin' "Nikon". 

The fact is this. They're both more or less equally good. It's like this. You're not going to create a tantrum at a restaurant if the waiter gives you a Pepsi when you ordered a Coke. It just doesn't matter. But then again a camera is a high involvement purchase. I don't care if you say you're stinking rich but you'd still want to contemplate a little before deciding which side of the fence you want to sit on. Oh and it's a tall fence to climb once you do take a call. 

You see, if it's an SLR and if you don't have money to throw away you would probably just make this decision ONCE. Why? Because once you buy a camera body, you automatically start adding lenses to your kit. So lets assume that after a couple of years, you still love shooting. You've probably added one prime lens for portraiture, one wide angle for landscapes and one tele just because it feels great to hold something that long. And now you suddenly decide you want to switch to a Nikon or the other way around. You're screwed. Why? Simply because when you switch over, you not only have to sell your camera body but you also have to get rid of every Nikkor (Nikon) or Canon lens you bought. Now that brings me to something else that is very interesting. I once heard that you could make Nikkor lenses work on a Canon by adding an adaptor. You'd have to spend close to 400$ on the adapter though. But you just cant make Canon lenses work on a Nikon body.  

Even if the adaptor thingy was possible, I wouldn't use an adaptor to bring in compatibility. Why? I don't really know. It just seems like a compromise. Doesn't it? 

So that still leaves the age old question. Nikon or Canon? I think it really depends on you. I would never touch a Canon for the following reasons:

- I hate getting into "My Canon is bigger than your Canon" debates. 

- I already have a good number of Nikkor lenses which will not work on a Canon. 

- I hate the way they fit in my hand. But your hands are different and a Canon would probably be just as nice. Ergonomically speaking i.e. 

- It takes longer for me to change basic settings on a Canon than a Nikon. What were they thinking?

- I hate having to focus first and then compose. I always compose first and then shoot which is possible on my Nikon. It's a personal thing really. Whatever works for you. I personally find the focus a little dicey on a Canon. It's not as intuitive as my Nikon. And this is Canon's biggest flaw. Let me explain this a little better. On the Canon, you need to focus first, hold down the focus lock key, move your viewfinder to compose your subject within the frame and then finally click. If your subject moves a little when you're doing all of that, your subject will be out of focus. You can use the same method shooting with a Nikon, but with the Nikon there's one more thing you can do. You can set your focus by using one of the many focus points on your viewfinder. Half click to focus and then shoot. If your subject moves when you're doing all of that, half click again and shoot. Simpler? Use both and see.

Warning: Please note that the above is just an opinion. I don't get paid by Nikon for writing any of it. As you already might have guessed, Canon doesn't pay me either.

Corporate dynamics

The Dicks: This kind consists of the new joinees. Smart asses, just out of college. The kind that loves dropping not so subtle cheeky one liners. Like lines they used last year to pick up girls in school. But you're smarter than them right? You've been in a business longer than they have. So you give it right back and more often than not, they run out of comebacks. At the end of it all, they end up feeling really foolish. Gradually, cheeky one liners become less frequent when you enter the room. Ha ha... savor the moment. 

The Dick "Heads": Mostly the top management. You know this kind well enough. You've probably seem them function every since you started working. The higher you climb the ladder the closer to get to them. The faster you learn the tricks. Of being a dash dash. This kind loves maintaining an aura around them. They give you every reason to hate your job. They cut your bonuses but still make it seem like the opportunities available here are the best in the industry. They're not. And you know it. 

The Dildos: Every office has this. The female version of the dick but a little more experienced. Experienced in the art of manipulation. It's almost like they have a split personality and they're completely unaware of it. They get what they want by turning on and turning off the charm. Like an on and off switch. They think they have it. They don't. We see right through. Common, we weren't born yesterday. They're pretty, but dumb. End of story.  

Chikmagalur

Chikmagalur. A small town in Karnataka is one place I will never return to. Unless of course I have to. Get this. It's known for coffee plantations but the coffee here sucks. It doesn't smell like coffee. It doesn't taste like coffee... Bah.. you'd think that they'd probably take the effort to roast the beans before serving it to you right? WRONG... They'd roast the beans and pack it off to bigger towns. 

Step into any Barista in Bangalore, and spend 55 bucks for a coffee. You'll love it. You'd be crazy to drive 5 hours to chikmagalur. The place is no great shakes either. You pack a DSLR, a tripod, 3 lenses, a couple of filters, a memory card and a fully charged battery. Only there's absolutely nothing worth shooting. You spend 2 days scouting for a good enough location only to realise once you get there, its completely covered by fog.

Warning: Im not saying that Chikmagalur is a bad place to shoot. It may be a great place to shoot when the weather is good. I was once told by an amateur photographer that a 30 minute drive to Bababudangiri hills will give you great sunset/sunrise shots. I went to Chikmagalur to catch this. But i soon decided that coming back to get this shot is probably not worth the effort.

Finally we leave and half way back to bangalore I decide to pull out my SLR for the first time. I caught a glimpse of a nice sun burst in my rear view mirror. And the picture below goes down in my "Go on a trip and end up shooting nothing" scrapbook.

God bless

The Buddha statue carved out of a single rock, taken at the Hussain Sagar lake in Hyderabad. 

Feeling kinda bleah..

The sky's gloomy. Overcast and depressing. Cant wait for October. 

Bungee jumping and sex

You know how magazines covers have blurbs of text on them? Well, I get tons of magazines in the office and you see all kinds of crazy shit on them.

This month, on the cover of Femina - "Bungee jumping and sex. Yes there's a connect."

What??? How could there be a connect between bungee jumping and sex? Well, I dunno... strange eh? Yeah.. well.. ok... maybe, there's one thing in common. 

When I jumped in 2006, 10 seconds in to the jump, my bungee cord had fully stretched out.  At that moment, it felt like the cord was slipping off my ankle. 

In a totally unrelated incident, one time, it felt like my condom was slipping off my dangle. 

Worst kinda weekend

When you have 3 days off and you know you're not stepping outta town. 

Mine or yours

10 pm. 

Dinner - check. Fluffing pillows - check. Pulling out blankets - check. Keeping remotes and mobiles within arms reach - check. Most importantly, keeping a slab of dark chocolate between us - check. Unwrapping it - check. We're both supposed to be on a diet by the way. 

After 3 pieces each. 

She - Thats enough. 

Me - No I want more.

She - You're supposed to be on a diet you know...

Me - Yeah but I've hurt my ankle and I need all the energy I can get. 

She - Ok if you're having, give me also a piece.

Me - What about your diet?

She - Yeah i know, but I don't want you to finish my share ok... It was my slab in the first place. 

Licking fingers - check.

______________________

That was my side of the story. For her side of the story click here.

Retailing it!

You remember the time you were 10? You'd have salesmen knocking on your door through the day. Sometimes even at night. One of the reasons we all had dogs when we were young was probably to shoo them away. 

They'd come along lugging around big bags of just about anything. Toys, utensils, groceries, dairy products, books, pencils, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, furniture, petro cards and a whole lot of other blah blah. The list goes on. But you get the drift. Back in the day, they learnt that the customer was god. 

Lets make his shopping experience completely hassle free. He needs a refrigerator? Lets send a catalogue to his doorstep through our best salesman. Lets also give him free delivery, seeing that he stays in an apartment complex. If he's happy he'll refer us. Lets install it for him. And just to seal the deal, lets throw in 3 cartons of milk... FREE. And if he still doesn't agree, we'll also pack in a one year free service bonus. He wont ever need to step out that door. 

And as always, times change. Door to door salesmen lost their jobs. You can blame the damn dogs for that. Retail stores have replaced door to door selling. If you need something as basic as a pack of cigarettes, you have to get up, go for a walk to the nearest store and pick it up yourself. You might as well take your dog along. Thats probably the only exercise it's gona get. 

Compare selling today. You walk into a Nike store. You see a group of salesmen at the cash counter probably talking about the latest flick, or their respective girl problems. They see you but cant decide if you're worthy enough for their attention. You know you want to buy a pair of running shoes but you're not really sure what kind. You pick up a shoe that you think you like. Someone hobbles over from the cash counter. 

He: May I help you sir?

Me: Yes please. I was looking for a running shoe

He: Sure sir, we have this entire wall of running shoes.

Me: Hmm, holding one up. Can I try this? I'm a size 8.

He: Sure sir. I'll just get your size.

10 minutes later

He: Sorry sir we don't have your size in that.

Me: Do you know if I can pick it up from another Nike store?

He: No sir, I don't think any store has this.

Me: Can you check please?

He: No sir, our phone lines are down.

Me: Can i leave my phone number here? Can you get back to me once your phone lines are up and running?

He: Er.. yes.

Me: Do you have a pen? or a comments book?

He: Our comments book is on the cash desk sir. 

Me: (Walking towards the cash desk) Pen please.

He: Sorry sir, I don't have pen.

Me: !@$#@%#@$%@#

He: #@$@%#% good riddance.

Me: Making up my mind never to walk into that store again.

Salesmen back in the day, would visit your doorstep again and again hoping to make a sale. They would come back with another size, with 5 different colors, a little something extra for the kids in the house and if thats not enough, they will also come back with the same smile they left with the first time. They would bend over backwards to fulfill your every wish. Yet, today, salesmen in retail stores expect you to dress up, leave your house, drive 15 minutes, spend half an hour finding parking, and walk 20 minutes to the store. What's worse is that you still walk out empty handed... and pissed. 

Would you let "god" (AKA the customer) walk out of your house... pissed and disappointed? The only way you can get god to visit again is if you go out of your way to please him. He might even bring his gopiyas next time. But he has to think you're worth it.

How i met Aditi

You know how you feel minutes before you meet a celebrity? Well, you're able to handle it pretty well if you know that it's probably gona be something like...

- Hi :D 

- how you doing? 

- I'm such a big fan 

- These are great mushrooms and...

- Good night. 

But what if you know that its gona be more like...

- Hi :D (giving my best smile)

- How you doing?

- I've heard so much about your music

- These are great mushrooms and...

- I wana marry your daughter. I'm Sindhi by the way. 

Beach bums!

5 things I love about a beach holiday

1) Waves

2) Dunking people

3) Sand

4) Beer 

5) Great sunsets shots

5 things I hate about a beach holiday

1) You stink of fish

2) Sand in your hair

3) Sand in your trunks

4) Your tanned skin starts peeling off the following week

5) Your Camera isn't water proof

Happy first anniversary!!!

Trying hard to be sociable

Most people initiate conversations with a question. Some of them ask multiple ones to stretch a conversation. Yet some, jump to the next question before you've finished answering the first. I know two such people in my life. I don't understand them.

Bumped into Person 1 on a busy street. 

Person 1: How was your trip to South Africa?

Me: Oh it was wonderful. Very very scenic and....

Person 1: Oh my driver has come. See you around. 

Bumped into Person 2 at a party.

Person 2: Hey, how you doing?

Me: Good and you?

Reva who was with me: (smile)

Person 2: How was  your trip?

Me: Great. Hows wor....

Person 2: How are you Reva?

Reva: I've been ...

Person 2: So why don't we get a drink?

Me: Sure, what do you....

Person 2: (To someone else he just spotted) Hey, how are the folks? Catch you two later :D

"I Don't give a piss"

While some Restaurants in Bangalore have realised that customer service is the one most important thing ever, some of them just don't give a piss.

We walked into Frescos (Cunningham Road, Bangalore) on Friday night at 10.35 pm. The place was kinda full. We sat at one of the 3 empty tables near the bar. This is where the owner normally sits during the day. It's like his office. Only, instead of coffee on the table, there's beer. And instead of a stack of papers, there's a stack of kebabs and instead of colleagues, there's a group of friends/socialites/whatever.

Thats good right? (NO) We got to sit in the owner's office. Service cant possibly be bad can it?( WRONG). 

5 minutes later, we're still twiddling thumbs, hoping and praying that someone brings us a menu. We get impatient. We try our best to get the attention of "anyone". Finally someone sees us waving madly and walks right over. 

He:"Yes?"

Me: "Can I get the menu please?"

He: ("Huh? What's that?"). Oh yes yes Menu.. sure.

Me: (Isn't it customary to hand a menu to someone who walks in?)

Waiter brings the menu and disappears again. Since I'm close to the bar, I just stand up and ask the bar tender if the bar's still open. He confirms that it is. 

Waiter appears again. Looking totally lost. 

Me: Excuse me?

He:  Huh? (Who said that?)

Me: Can i get a Whisky and a Coke?

He: The bar is closed sir.

Me: The bar tender just told me it's open.

He: Ohhh... (Says something to the bar tender in telugu in a tone that almost suggests murder) ok sir what do you want?

Me: Whisky and coke..

He (to the bar tender): One whiskey and water

Me (a little louder now): Whiskey and Coke!!!

He: Oh sorry sir. (to the bar tender), One Whisky and One Water. 

Me (giving up -- to the bar tender): Whiskey and COKE.

He: Ohhhh... by the way, this is last order. 

Me: (%^&$^%^$#)

On our way out, I see the steward for the first time. He looks at me, a little startled, like I appeared out of thin air, quickly gathers himself and casually says "Thank you boys"....

What? Im with two girls? What did he say? Thank you boys? 

Well, he really said "Thank you very much". But I just couldn't get that. He was slurring. 

Why me?

A little less than a year ago, I bought a macbook. A couple of days ago, I saw cracks on the casing.

Earlier this year I bought an iphone. Last week I saw a crack on the body.

Last month, I bought a Swift... God help me!

What they're doing to us...

Director: I want you to cut costs immediately.

HR: How?

Director: I dunno... Put a freeze on bonuses and hikes this year.

HR: But attrition?

Director: Arrgghhh... tell them its recession time. They wont go anywhere.

HR: But we're doing well in India.

Director: I know we are, but everyones using that excuse, so why shouldn't we?

HR: Err...I dont think it will work...

Director: Try it.. if it doesn't, we'll change work timings and make days longer. We'll also make them work on Saturdays. I need more productivity.

HR: At their present salary's with no overtime?

Director: Obviously.

HR: But its against the law.

Director: Arrrgghhh...Tell them its good for work life balance. Come up with a theory and some statistics to prove it. Also dig out some articles from timeswellness.com. They wont know what hit them.

HR: Humm.. Ok sounds good.

Director: Er.. also try to reduce the CTC of a few employees..

HR: What? How do you expect me to do that?

Director: Tell them since they've been performing well, the company is willing to shift them laterally as an "All Round Development" initiative. But since they have no experience in that department, we'll have to cut their salaries by half. But its good for them in the long run.

HR: Then who's going to do the jobs they were initially hired for?

Director: They will still do it, we'll just lengthen their job profile and tell them they need more challenges. Come up with another theory on "Job Enrichment". You might want to refer that text book..what's it called now?.. er.. er... "Best HR Practices adopted in 2008" or some such gas.

HR: Who wrote it?

Director: I did.

HR: Never mind. I wanted to check with you...

Director: Oh wait.. another brain wave just came to me. We should do something about claims.

HR: What about claims?

Director: We should stop people from claiming them.

HR: You mean you want them to pay their bills and incur travel and cell phone expenses for the company, and not be reimbursed?

Director: You're finally catching on.

HR: Why would they accept that?

Director: Tell them its a new policy.

HR: Now you're pushing it.

Director: Ok ok... Er.. Lets make the claim process a complex one. Make them all fill out 20 forms for a claim. Tell them to get their bosses to sign on them. Oh and tell them that it needs to reach HR within 24 hours of incurrence. No exceptions. And tell them that its a new "Improving Efficiency and Promptness" initiative or something like that.

HR: Okie...

Director: Now what was it? You wanted to ask me something?

HR: The prospective recruit wants 20 percent more. We need to close this ASAP. He has other offers.

Director: Does he? Hmm.. we do need someone to fill that vacancy. Make him believe that this is a great place to work in. Tell him that 20% will be spent on his training. Which will be paid for by the company. And if he leaves within a year, we will have to charge it back to him. Say it confidently so he knows we mean business. Also, when he joins, give him a weeks induction and throw some concepts at him. Borrow some theories from the Business Development dept. They actually know how to bullshit.

HR: Yeah I know what you mean. "A dummies guide to bullshitting effectively" is treated like a bible there.

Director: What? When did that one come out?

HR: About a decade ago.

Director: Really? Who wrote it?

HR: You did.

Director: Oh yeah... :D

Taps at Windsor Pub

I love the tap at Windsor Pub. I love sitting there sipping my draft, biting into cottage cheese fingers and rattatatt-ing and clickaty-clicking on my macbook.

A group of 17 year olds walked in and sprinted towards the only unoccupied table. Even before they've settled down, someone screamed "That was a tough paper muchaaaaa..I need some beerrrrr now". As usual, they were annoyingly loud, and annoyingly short on vocab; like we were, close to 10 years ago.

A couple occupying the next table seemed like they were disturbed by the young group. Well actually the woman seemed disturbed. The guy on the other hand looked kinda relieved. You know how sometimes, its apparent in couples, that the female is more interested in making sure her male is constantly giving her attention. He would rather be somewhere else, probably guzzling down beer with his guy friends. But he knows what's good for him... and decides to spend a quiet night with her. Bored shitless. He probably thinks its better to be bored than single. 

Another group of people were downing mugs at the counter. I went on rattatat-ting on my macbook and when i looked up, 5 minutes later, a packed house was now only half full. Half the tables, the whole counter, and a couple of waiters suddenly went missing. Everyone was out, blowing smoke rings or at-least attempting to. Even the two waiters accompanied them, just to make sure no one takes off... without paying.

The only conceivable reason for placing a 32 inch on the counter, is probably to shield the bar tender when he's digging his nose or downing taps himself. The bald guzzler was squinting at the screen from time to time. From where he was sitting, it could only be viewed from an angle of 180 degrees. Yet he almost doubled up backwards on his bar stool to catch a glimpse of a 22 year old playing a perfectly executed on drive. How bored he must be... sitting there making small talk with a whole bunch of "like minded" young adults. When i say "like minded" I mean a young stud who's shaved his head and both his eyebrows, a chica that walks and swears like a man and a forty year old that sports formal pants coupled with shiny white Nikes. Oh, by the way, there are tons of these kinda folks at Koshys. Only, its a little too hot to sit there for hours, which is why I'd pick Windsor Pub any day.   

Even though, sometimes, you're unlucky enough to be stuck with a group of noisy brats, more often than not, it is a great small place to drink, eat, chill, work, meet people, talk, write, observe and laugh. I should tell you that if you go there after 8pm, you will have to risk not getting a table. 

Cheers!! I mean Beerss!!