Trying hard to be sociable

Most people initiate conversations with a question. Some of them ask multiple ones to stretch a conversation. Yet some, jump to the next question before you've finished answering the first. I know two such people in my life. I don't understand them.

Bumped into Person 1 on a busy street. 

Person 1: How was your trip to South Africa?

Me: Oh it was wonderful. Very very scenic and....

Person 1: Oh my driver has come. See you around. 

Bumped into Person 2 at a party.

Person 2: Hey, how you doing?

Me: Good and you?

Reva who was with me: (smile)

Person 2: How was  your trip?

Me: Great. Hows wor....

Person 2: How are you Reva?

Reva: I've been ...

Person 2: So why don't we get a drink?

Me: Sure, what do you....

Person 2: (To someone else he just spotted) Hey, how are the folks? Catch you two later :D

"I Don't give a piss"

While some Restaurants in Bangalore have realised that customer service is the one most important thing ever, some of them just don't give a piss.

We walked into Frescos (Cunningham Road, Bangalore) on Friday night at 10.35 pm. The place was kinda full. We sat at one of the 3 empty tables near the bar. This is where the owner normally sits during the day. It's like his office. Only, instead of coffee on the table, there's beer. And instead of a stack of papers, there's a stack of kebabs and instead of colleagues, there's a group of friends/socialites/whatever.

Thats good right? (NO) We got to sit in the owner's office. Service cant possibly be bad can it?( WRONG). 

5 minutes later, we're still twiddling thumbs, hoping and praying that someone brings us a menu. We get impatient. We try our best to get the attention of "anyone". Finally someone sees us waving madly and walks right over. 

He:"Yes?"

Me: "Can I get the menu please?"

He: ("Huh? What's that?"). Oh yes yes Menu.. sure.

Me: (Isn't it customary to hand a menu to someone who walks in?)

Waiter brings the menu and disappears again. Since I'm close to the bar, I just stand up and ask the bar tender if the bar's still open. He confirms that it is. 

Waiter appears again. Looking totally lost. 

Me: Excuse me?

He:  Huh? (Who said that?)

Me: Can i get a Whisky and a Coke?

He: The bar is closed sir.

Me: The bar tender just told me it's open.

He: Ohhh... (Says something to the bar tender in telugu in a tone that almost suggests murder) ok sir what do you want?

Me: Whisky and coke..

He (to the bar tender): One whiskey and water

Me (a little louder now): Whiskey and Coke!!!

He: Oh sorry sir. (to the bar tender), One Whisky and One Water. 

Me (giving up -- to the bar tender): Whiskey and COKE.

He: Ohhhh... by the way, this is last order. 

Me: (%^&$^%^$#)

On our way out, I see the steward for the first time. He looks at me, a little startled, like I appeared out of thin air, quickly gathers himself and casually says "Thank you boys"....

What? Im with two girls? What did he say? Thank you boys? 

Well, he really said "Thank you very much". But I just couldn't get that. He was slurring. 

Why me?

A little less than a year ago, I bought a macbook. A couple of days ago, I saw cracks on the casing.

Earlier this year I bought an iphone. Last week I saw a crack on the body.

Last month, I bought a Swift... God help me!

What they're doing to us...

Director: I want you to cut costs immediately.

HR: How?

Director: I dunno... Put a freeze on bonuses and hikes this year.

HR: But attrition?

Director: Arrgghhh... tell them its recession time. They wont go anywhere.

HR: But we're doing well in India.

Director: I know we are, but everyones using that excuse, so why shouldn't we?

HR: Err...I dont think it will work...

Director: Try it.. if it doesn't, we'll change work timings and make days longer. We'll also make them work on Saturdays. I need more productivity.

HR: At their present salary's with no overtime?

Director: Obviously.

HR: But its against the law.

Director: Arrrgghhh...Tell them its good for work life balance. Come up with a theory and some statistics to prove it. Also dig out some articles from timeswellness.com. They wont know what hit them.

HR: Humm.. Ok sounds good.

Director: Er.. also try to reduce the CTC of a few employees..

HR: What? How do you expect me to do that?

Director: Tell them since they've been performing well, the company is willing to shift them laterally as an "All Round Development" initiative. But since they have no experience in that department, we'll have to cut their salaries by half. But its good for them in the long run.

HR: Then who's going to do the jobs they were initially hired for?

Director: They will still do it, we'll just lengthen their job profile and tell them they need more challenges. Come up with another theory on "Job Enrichment". You might want to refer that text book..what's it called now?.. er.. er... "Best HR Practices adopted in 2008" or some such gas.

HR: Who wrote it?

Director: I did.

HR: Never mind. I wanted to check with you...

Director: Oh wait.. another brain wave just came to me. We should do something about claims.

HR: What about claims?

Director: We should stop people from claiming them.

HR: You mean you want them to pay their bills and incur travel and cell phone expenses for the company, and not be reimbursed?

Director: You're finally catching on.

HR: Why would they accept that?

Director: Tell them its a new policy.

HR: Now you're pushing it.

Director: Ok ok... Er.. Lets make the claim process a complex one. Make them all fill out 20 forms for a claim. Tell them to get their bosses to sign on them. Oh and tell them that it needs to reach HR within 24 hours of incurrence. No exceptions. And tell them that its a new "Improving Efficiency and Promptness" initiative or something like that.

HR: Okie...

Director: Now what was it? You wanted to ask me something?

HR: The prospective recruit wants 20 percent more. We need to close this ASAP. He has other offers.

Director: Does he? Hmm.. we do need someone to fill that vacancy. Make him believe that this is a great place to work in. Tell him that 20% will be spent on his training. Which will be paid for by the company. And if he leaves within a year, we will have to charge it back to him. Say it confidently so he knows we mean business. Also, when he joins, give him a weeks induction and throw some concepts at him. Borrow some theories from the Business Development dept. They actually know how to bullshit.

HR: Yeah I know what you mean. "A dummies guide to bullshitting effectively" is treated like a bible there.

Director: What? When did that one come out?

HR: About a decade ago.

Director: Really? Who wrote it?

HR: You did.

Director: Oh yeah... :D

Taps at Windsor Pub

I love the tap at Windsor Pub. I love sitting there sipping my draft, biting into cottage cheese fingers and rattatatt-ing and clickaty-clicking on my macbook.

A group of 17 year olds walked in and sprinted towards the only unoccupied table. Even before they've settled down, someone screamed "That was a tough paper muchaaaaa..I need some beerrrrr now". As usual, they were annoyingly loud, and annoyingly short on vocab; like we were, close to 10 years ago.

A couple occupying the next table seemed like they were disturbed by the young group. Well actually the woman seemed disturbed. The guy on the other hand looked kinda relieved. You know how sometimes, its apparent in couples, that the female is more interested in making sure her male is constantly giving her attention. He would rather be somewhere else, probably guzzling down beer with his guy friends. But he knows what's good for him... and decides to spend a quiet night with her. Bored shitless. He probably thinks its better to be bored than single. 

Another group of people were downing mugs at the counter. I went on rattatat-ting on my macbook and when i looked up, 5 minutes later, a packed house was now only half full. Half the tables, the whole counter, and a couple of waiters suddenly went missing. Everyone was out, blowing smoke rings or at-least attempting to. Even the two waiters accompanied them, just to make sure no one takes off... without paying.

The only conceivable reason for placing a 32 inch on the counter, is probably to shield the bar tender when he's digging his nose or downing taps himself. The bald guzzler was squinting at the screen from time to time. From where he was sitting, it could only be viewed from an angle of 180 degrees. Yet he almost doubled up backwards on his bar stool to catch a glimpse of a 22 year old playing a perfectly executed on drive. How bored he must be... sitting there making small talk with a whole bunch of "like minded" young adults. When i say "like minded" I mean a young stud who's shaved his head and both his eyebrows, a chica that walks and swears like a man and a forty year old that sports formal pants coupled with shiny white Nikes. Oh, by the way, there are tons of these kinda folks at Koshys. Only, its a little too hot to sit there for hours, which is why I'd pick Windsor Pub any day.   

Even though, sometimes, you're unlucky enough to be stuck with a group of noisy brats, more often than not, it is a great small place to drink, eat, chill, work, meet people, talk, write, observe and laugh. I should tell you that if you go there after 8pm, you will have to risk not getting a table. 

Cheers!! I mean Beerss!!

When you're stressed, honk.

I cant for the life of me understand why people honk. It's like you don't need a reason anymore. Still, I've put down some most common reasons for honking in India... 

- When a bike cuts you in front and you want to tell him that he's a MF.

- When a car cuts you in front and you want show him the finger.

- When the signal turns green  but you still cant move, coz the auto in front of you refuses to start. The auto driver then gets off and starts pushing it to the side. By the time he actually gets out of your way, the signal turns red again. By now, you've exhausted your battery completely by honking. 

- When you test a newly installed battery for the horn.

- When you test a newly installed horn after your old one's worn out.

- At a jam, when you want a girl to turn towards you, so that you can take a look at her face. You're tired of staring at the back of her head. If you keep honking, she would wonder what the f you are honking for and would invariably turn around?

- When a cop's standing in the middle of the road and thinks it's perfectly normal. You suddenly remember all the bribes you've given cops in the past. You hate his kind. You just want to insult him. So you honk.

- When a cop car is parked in "no parking" and you don't approve. 

- When someone honks for no reason and you just want to tell him to shut up.

- For fun.

- When you're bored and want to create your own music.

- When you see an auto driver pissing on the road.

- When someone tries to steal your parking spot by slyly sliding right into it when you're slowly backing up.

- When someone spits on your car from a bus window. (believe me, this happens)

 

Rapists should be ...

A 15 year old girl was gang raped in Mumbai. She committed suicide the very next day. I hate rapists. 

What if we were to sentence them to one whole day of being fucked in the ass with something thats larger than a 650 ml beer bottle and rougher than stand stone?

Its pissing down again

I was sitting in South Africa, chatting with a local.

"Do you have, like, elephants and lions roaming on the streets of India? I mean isn't that scary?"

"Well, we do have cattle and the occasional politician but as far as elephants and lions go, they're actually quite tame."

Don't we have bigger problems here? First of all, it would be impossible for elephants and lions to roam the streets during these months. I mean have you even seen what the roads are like these days? I dont think cats like getting their feet wet.Elephants may enjoy the occasional bath but imagine wading through all that dirty water everyday. Now, Hippos would love it, but last I heard, they dont make those in India.

I just heard that someone in Gurgaon had to switch off his engine, climb on the roof of his car and call for help. Why? coz his gearbox was filled with water.Water that fell from the sky. I mean I've heard of rain water harvesting, but this is ridiculous.

Apparently damage caused to your car due to floods is not even covered by the Insurance companies. They don't cover damages caused by natural calamities (because of how frequently they occur).

Just google "floods in India" and take a look at the images that pop up on your screen. Or if you're the lazy kind, just look at the sketch below. Seriously, do you think elephants and lions actually want to go through all that?

Kicking Butt

Its been close to 6 years. And i still haven't been able to quit. I've been through 3 failed attempts over the last 6 years. The most recent of which was most successful (even though it seems like its failing right now). 

It all started one day in college. We were out for an "industrial tour". Being a student of management, importance is given to a practical understanding of how industries function. Being completely alien to it, with no previous experience of actually working in an organisation, it seemed that it might actually be informative. 

60 budding managers, hopped into a train and left for Pune. Coz we dont have any industries in Bangalore you know. 60 budding managers, out of which 25 of them had already mastered management. They had mastered the art of managing to blow smoke rings in windy conditions. Something thats quite impressive to someone like me (someone who wants to try a cig for the first time).    

Our rooms get allotted once we get to Pune, and I learn that I'm sharing a room with two smokers. Just my luck. We unlock the door and enter with baggage and one of them straight away starts digging for a ciggie, furiously turning out his pockets. The other looks on patiently and pulls out a matchbox. This entire exercise is beautifully coordinated. Just when the digger, pulls out a couple of ciggies and offers one to his associate, the associate, still calm and collected, strikes a match. Its like he knew when exactly the butts would kiss their lips and was counting down from the second he pulled out that match box.

Anyway, thats when I expressed to them both that I would like to try a couple of drags. I was of course treated like I just went mental. Why I elicited such shocked responses was beyond me. What's so mental about wanting to try a puff or two? You both have done it for years. Now give me one of those sticks. 

Two drags, and I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I could hear laughter for a good 20 seconds, after which one of them was kind enough to teach me how to inhale. I did. They expected me to cough. I didn't. I was a natural. And guess what? I liked it. There was no stopping me after that. I got sucked into it. Eventually I mastered the art of managing to blow smoke rings in windy conditions. 

In my head, I always thought that once I achieve that, I'd quit. But I couldn't. Twice I tried. Both times I developed rashes on my face and body. So I started again. Within a week of quitting.

Most recently (July 12th, 09) I quit again. I went strong for 2 days and had 1 on day 3 and 3 on day 4. What's most annoying is that every time you have an urge, you fulfill that urge by taking a few drags. And after you do, you feel like you've let yourself down. You're weak. And you don't really have the persistence. 

What's worse is that you have a regular smoker within 10 feet of you at the office. The one who happily took regular smoke breaks with you. Also the one that runs a cigarette under your nose when he's just heard that you're trying to quit.  

I've decided that I'm going to resist temptation hence forth. And every time I feel a strong urge, Im gonna make a run for it. Literally. 

Pictures vs Snapshots

A challenging drive home.

You've just bought a new car. You take delivery, and you drive from Whitefield to Malleswaram. The car is not even registered. You've driven for close to 10 years. I'd say thats enough experience to manage the drive home without grounded chassis, scrapes, dents or scratches. 

Yet, you want to leave as much distance as you can from the next vehicle. Only, we know thats not possible, coz whenever you get a new car, a standard feature that you get with the car is a magnetic force, attracting everything from cycles, to busses to beggars that start getting too close for comfort. You want to leave distance in the front but you cant, coz the dick heads at the back start honking. You cant drive fast and leave those dick heads behind coz  you'll be rude to the L board driver in front of you by honking yourself. 

To make matters worse we're driving in Bangalore right. At 7 pm. Peak hours. Everyones dying to get past you. So they can beat their earlier record of 57 minutes. "Oh man I did Whitefield to MG Road in 63 minutes... Beat that". 

Lets not forget about those wonderful craters, AKA pot holes in the road that bikers absolutely love. It gives them reason to actually cut lanes without warning.  

You on the other hand are actually scared to break hard when these pot holes magically appear outta nowhere. You fear that if you break too hard, a dick head on three wheels is going to ram his front wheel up your ass. So what choice are you left with? Just drive over the pot holes at 60 kmph and hope that Maruti actually threw in a good suspension (in addition to the standard magnetic force feature). 

Your next challenge is to make sure that you dont ground your chassis on on one of those millions of speed humps. You're virtually driving at 5 kmph and somehow someone finds the need to spend our taxes on getting those speed humps placed. Still, I feel thats money being put to good use. It's better than digging up and mending a road for the 256th time in 3 months.

To top it all, it rains. And when it Rains in Bangalore, your new shiny black swift, gets slathered with mud (and spit). You can blame the standard magnetic force for this. 

You finally drive home a new shiny car that looks like its just been in a rally. Its covered in mud, got a couple of spit marks on the bumper and a few lumps of dung stuck to the wheels. And did you know that the warranty is void the minute you use the car in a rally? How heartening.

You finally get home with a car that looks a year old. You park, trying to make sure its in a spot thats least likely to be in the way. You don't want someone else bumping your car on the first day when they're parking right? So you find a nice secluded corner under a tree. You then retire for the night in peace. 

The next morning, you see crow shit on the handle of the door. The standard magnetic force feature hasn't worn off yet. 

 

Beer at Barristers

Beeerrrrrrr.............. bottoms up... burppppp

Into the wild!

I've never really enjoyed shooting wildlife. Quite frankly i don't have the right equipment or the interest. I remember sitting in a jeep one chilly morning at 5 am in Nagarhole, holding on to the metal railing for dear life. Our driver was directing all his efforts to make sure his wheels hit each and every one of those pot holes, craters, and speed humps on the way. Its more fun that way no? NOT. Oh man it was painful. Really painful. 

Doing a safari in South Africa, was a better experience. We were in a land cruiser this time. Plush interiors, good ride quality and a sun roof made all the difference.

 

Sipping beer at the waterfront

Last day at Cape Town. 1 hour before we head for the airport. To get back to India. Home sweet home..NOT.. Drowning our sorrows in beer, at Quay Four. Sob sniff... we're leaving cape town...boohooooooooooooo

Wine Tasting at Spier

From Cape Town, we took a 2 hour drive to the vineyards. We had heard about Spier, a resort that offers anyone and everyone, the experience of wine tasting, for a small fortune in return. We went straight to the bar and selected 3 wines a piece. I asked for 2 white and 1 sweet. I hated them all. Got a headache soon after.  

I'm not saying that the wine was bad. But here's the deal. Unless you know a great deal about wine, there are chances that you will NOT enjoy it. It certainly wasn't worth the 2 hour drive in an SUV filled with people discussing the mundane work in Puma India.

Penguins

Penguins shot at Boulders Beach, Cape Town, south Africa. Cute little rascals.

Shooting a Skoda

For the first time, I tried my hand at shooting a car. A car enthusiast just bought a yellow Skoda Octavia RS and suped it up. We got into Palm Meadows in Whitefield to get a decent setting. 

I was aiming to get some decent golden hour lighting at 5pm. Unfortunately, we got there and the sun decided to hide itself behind the clouds.  AARRRGHHHH... 

All dramatic shots were out of the question. Anyway, I went right ahead and fired a few rounds... Anyway, 150 frames later, I managed to pull these two shots out of the hat.

Firnagi India - Durban

Durban apparently has a lot of Indians. All kinds. You also have Indian restaurants around. Well, its a pity that the chefs at the Indian restaurants dont make food as well as the chefs back home but its still edible none the less.

As a city, it aint that great but if you ever plan to visit Durban, make sure you stay at one of the beach resorts. Away from the city. Then, its probably worth it. But then again, why would you come to Durban for the beaches. Might as well go to the Maldives. Oh well, I also visited "ushaka" a sort of amusement park which boasts of dolphin shows, penguins, a lazy river, a turtle bay, artificial shark cage diving, and aquarium and the highest water slide in the country. Nothing great really, but if you have half a day and nothing to do, go there.

Taken from the 8th floor of the Southern Sun, Elangeni
Ushaka

Dolphins showing off

Penguins.

Cute little rascals.

A walk through the aquarium

The BIG Hole, Kimberley

Kimberley, The City that Sparkles. The city that sleeps at 10 pm, but sparkles none the less. More than a hundred and twenty years ago, De Beers started a mine in Kimberly now known as the Big Hole. It's the largest man made excavation in the world. It's believed that he managed to extract more than 2000 kilograms of diamonds till date. Thats like 1,00,00,000 carats. I was lucky enough to stay in a guest house known as The Victorian Guest Lodge. A small, charming place run by a local family. Fantastic hospitalty with luxurious rooms, located very close to the Big Hole. You should look it up if you plan to ever visit Kimberley. Kimberley is a small town, at most 10 kms in diametre. Quite and peaceful. A weekend getaway. Stay there more than 2 days and be prepared to get bored. Anyway the two places I happened to visit were The Big Hole and Kamfers Dam. I saw the excavation and was quite amused by its size. To be frank I thought it would be bigger than it is. Apparently, many slaves died when land caved in on them. Hundreds killed for the greed of one man. And yet we treat diamonds as a woman's best friend. Wake up guys. the're just stones at the end of the day. Kamfers dam was the second place I visited during my short stay in Kimberley. The only official breeding place for flimingoes in the world. Unfortunately for us and fortunately for the flamingoes, this is not a tourist spot. There is no access to the damn itself. If you wish to see these birds, you need to climb over a fence, cross a railway track and even then, the view aint good enough. Ah well. I did get to see them eventually. I desperately need a 600 mm lens.

Flamingoes at Kamfers Dam
A sea of birds

Kamfers Dam

The big hole ramp, leading to the viewing point.

Ramp again

The Big Hole