Opinionated and always hungry!

I've moved.

2011-02-12T13:09:00.002+05:30

To Wordpress. Chughalong people!

2010

2011-01-01T21:39:00.003+05:30

Why is 31st so special? One big party? Lotsa booze? Togetherness? Or something else I actually give a shit about?

Every year, 31st December gives me a reason to evaluate myself. A self appraisal or sorts.

Some highs in 2010:

January: I quit my job (for another one of course)

Feb: Moved to Goa

March: Rented an apartment

April: Started filling that apartment with random pieces of furniture

May: Celebrated the day my wife came into this world

June: My car turned a year old

July: Realised that I hate partys

August: Realised that I have a life outside of office

September: Realised that fancy phones, fancy cars and a lavish lifestyle doesn't matter to me anymore

October: Picked up my first DSLR

November: Got introduced to BBQ dinners

December: Learnt something new about my wife. While most people look forward to gourmet dinners, holidays, shopping, camping or even partying, she looks forward to 'Cleaning the house'

2010. One of the best years of my life so far!

Oh My God

2010-11-27T09:00:00.001+05:30

You know you're working too much when you wake up in the middle of the night, nudge your wife, point at her blanket and say "Can I get a copy of that please?"

What's worse?

2010-11-17T21:49:00.002+05:30

What's worse than taking a 7 am flight to Bombay on Thursday morning?

Taking a 5.20 am flight back to Goa on Friday morning. Groaaannnn.

Jealousy

2010-11-06T09:54:00.003+05:30

What happens when you pick up Igloo and pet her?

Jealous Aglee sticks out her tongue at you.

I'm not a cat person..

2010-09-04T13:35:00.002+05:30

Yeah right....

Sigh

2010-09-04T12:41:00.004+05:30

What I actually want...

What I'll settle for...

Drunk G

2010-08-29T09:07:00.012+05:30

I had taken a picture of drunk G in Delhi many months ago.

This week, a TVC featuring a bald guy driving an Indica Vista Drivetech4 was released.

I swear. They look exactly the same.

A perfect end to the week

2010-08-22T19:15:00.002+05:30

6 days of hard work, late nights and interrupted sleep followed by a Sunday with a heavy breakfast, a movie, 3 plates of cheese corn nuggets, chicken curry for dinner and the wife for company. A perfect end.

Creative license

2010-07-08T20:13:00.003+05:30

Creative output is so subjective.

At a review... 3 people peering at a desktop screen...

Person 1: What do you think?

Person 2: I think it's fine. Looks pretty good actually!

Person 1: (Looking at me). What do you think?

Me: I think it's damn crappy man... GROANNNNN

Goa

2010-06-19T10:52:00.005+05:30

Beaches and sunsets are probably the most boring landscapes to shoot. Well atleast if do it often enough. But yet when you see a sunset at a beach, you cant but help pull out your camera.

Taglines

2010-06-01T21:08:00.003+05:30

Week 1 - Generated 50 taglines for a client

Week 2 - Shortlisted 16

Week 3 - Presented them to the client

Week 4 (Outcome of the meeting) - Let's not use a tagline anymore.

www.vivekchugh.com

2010-05-27T17:49:00.007+05:30

A year and a half ago I decided I'd get a website. I booked domain space. Made a few design attempts myself. Created a logo and shortlisted pictures.

It finally happened today. Version 0.000001 is live.

A big thanks to...(and i really mean this)

Sindhu for developing it and finally getting it online. An absolute doll for getting it done. She wont even let me credit her on my website... Yes, there are such people. Nutty but nice.

Romi for booking domain space and scouting for plugins when I was being a brat by ordering him around.

AK for the profile pic.. he's good by the way. Check out his website. Oh right. He doesn't have one. But when he does, I'll post the link here.

Reva for pushing me when I was too lazy to get off my ass and get this moving.

Need a wide angle

2010-05-14T21:45:00.002+05:30

Last week AK came over with his wide angle. I stole it for a while. New found love... I need one.. soon.. A D700 + a 20mm fixed wide angle.

This shot—courtesy AK and his 10 mm.

New found respect

2010-05-13T15:11:00.003+05:30

Until most recently I didn't realise the importance of having a significant amount of stash in my bank account. When it was gone I realised how badly I needed it.

I have new found respect for the homeless. They don't even know where their next meal is coming from.

Entertainment

2010-03-15T12:06:00.001+05:30

Last year I watched numerous IPL matches from the box. In South Africa where I was freezing my a** off with a large mug of beer in one hand and a blackberry in the other. This year I'll be sitting in front of my mac, logged on to YouTube with a pint of beer in one hand and a bottle opener in the other. Nostalgia beh beh!

Goan eccentricities

2010-02-24T11:51:00.000+05:30

2 pm in the afernoon. You walk towards a restaurant for lunch. The door is shut. A hand written signboard is seen on it. "Closed for Lunch"

11 am in another restaurant. Customer to waiter - "Bhai, ek mast wala chai la". Waiter contemplates for 5 mins, gives an apologetic look to the customer and says "Bhai bana na padega".

Beer

2010-02-21T22:34:00.000+05:30

If you think you can have another beer, you probably can! My philosophy. I'm five beers down. I think I can have another one. I think I'll go for it!

I just moved to Goa! A shift most people would consider, weird and rash. Why they asked. I said I wanted a change. I wanted to move away from the hustle and bustle. I wanted to live by the beach. I wanted to give my wife a life she always wanted.

I just watched "How to lose a guy in 10 days". I loved it. I miss Reva. Random? Well what do expect from a guy thats 5 beers down?

RIP

2010-01-28T15:48:00.001+05:30

Hindustani music doesn't appeal to a large audience. At least not where I come from. I've been raised by a family of businessmen. Naturally I didn't have an inclination towards any form of music. Or any form of art for that matter.

Let's face it. I didn't understand it. I still don't. But having married Pandit Dinkar Kaikini's grand daughter, I automatically got exposed to music and art a great deal more. I recently heard a video on youtube of Pandit Dinkar singing. You know how sometimes you hear a voice and forget about everything else around you? Your mind blanks out and it seems for that moment you have no worries. You truly start appreciating the beauty of it. You feel a weird connection. And you're at peace.

Pandit Dinkar Kaikini passed away last week. Even though I hardly knew him, I miss him already. He was a great singer but more importantly a kind man.

I only pray that Ammama, Rajesh, Aditi, Yogi, Reva and Niyu have the strength to deal with what I'd call the biggest loss for them so far.

RIP

The Cable Guy

2010-01-15T12:08:00.000+05:30

Where I work, the IT department is a one man show. What's really great about him is the level of comfort he has with machines. Everyone else's machines.

I'm there sitting and working on my laptop when suddenly my attention is diverted to my right. I turn back to find the IT guy typing some text on MY laptop. THATS MY LAPTOP. You'd kind of expect him to excuse himself and come up with half a reason for meddling with my laptop right? Anyway this kind of eccentric behavior isn't new to me so I carry on conversing with my colleague. 2 minutes later he disappears with an unsaved document on my desktop. I hit "ALT f4".

Ten minutes of peace. He then reappears with another laptop, pulls out my power cable and connects it to the laptop he just brought. He then places the damn thing on MY TABLE. MY TABLE. Then he disappears again, without a word, into the darkness of his home, the server room.

Such is life

2010-01-12T09:46:00.000+05:30

What do you do when you buy a 30,000 phone? You feel nice for a bit. Then you go ahead and drop it on the concrete.

Such is life

2009-12-16T18:05:00.000+05:30

Having moved from a PC to a Mac about a year ago, I have a tendency to brag a little. I tell people that its far far superior than the PC. In fact I tell people that it's been so great for me that I waste no more time reinstalling software, reinstalling operating systems, partitioning hard drives, losing data, rectifying system crashes, hitting ctrl+alt+delete... blah blah. You get the drift. It's true. I haven't wasted any time doing any of that with my mac in the last one year.

But today I was humbled when my mac hung for the 20th time. No comments please.

Nikon vs Canon

2009-12-07T14:37:00.001+05:30

Right now, we're only talking about SLRs. Not 'point and shoots'. That's another discussion I don't really care for.

Let me start this note with one simple fact. It's not the camera that makes great pictures. It's the photographer. A good photographer can take better pictures with a point and shoot than an idiot with the best SLR money can buy. But if you did want to buy a camera, which one would you finally shell out money for?

I've asked this question to a lot of people myself. Some swear by Nikon. Others use 'Nikon' as a swear word. You fuckin' "Nikon".

The fact is this. They're both more or less equally good. It's like this. You're not going to create a tantrum at a restaurant if the waiter gives you a Pepsi when you ordered a Coke. It just doesn't matter. But then again a camera is a high involvement purchase. I don't care if you say you're stinking rich but you'd still want to contemplate a little before deciding which side of the fence you want to sit on. Oh and it's a tall fence to climb once you do take a call.

You see, if it's an SLR and if you don't have money to throw away you would probably just make this decision ONCE. Why? Because once you buy a camera body, you automatically start adding lenses to your kit. So lets assume that after a couple of years, you still love shooting. You've probably added one prime lens for portraiture, one wide angle for landscapes and one tele just because it feels great to hold something that long. And now you suddenly decide you want to switch to a Nikon or the other way around. You're screwed. Why? Simply because when you switch over, you not only have to sell your camera body but you also have to get rid of every Nikkor (Nikon) or Canon lens you bought. Now that brings me to something else that is very interesting. I once heard that you could make Nikkor lenses work on a Canon by adding an adaptor. You'd have to spend close to 400$ on the adapter though. But you just cant make Canon lenses work on a Nikon body.

Even if the adaptor thingy was possible, I wouldn't use an adaptor to bring in compatibility. Why? I don't really know. It just seems like a compromise. Doesn't it?

So that still leaves the age old question. Nikon or Canon? I think it really depends on you. I would never touch a Canon for the following reasons:

- I hate getting into "My Canon is bigger than your Canon" debates.

- I already have a good number of Nikkor lenses which will not work on a Canon.

- I hate the way they fit in my hand. But your hands are different and a Canon would probably be just as nice. Ergonomically speaking i.e.

- It takes longer for me to change basic settings on a Canon than a Nikon. What were they thinking?

- I hate having to focus first and then compose. I always compose first and then shoot which is possible on my Nikon. It's a personal thing really. Whatever works for you. I personally find the focus a little dicey on a Canon. It's not as intuitive as my Nikon. And this is Canon's biggest flaw. Let me explain this a little better. On the Canon, you need to focus first, hold down the focus lock key, move your viewfinder to compose your subject within the frame and then finally click. If your subject moves a little when you're doing all of that, your subject will be out of focus. You can use the same method shooting with a Nikon, but with the Nikon there's one more thing you can do. You can set your focus by using one of the many focus points on your viewfinder. Half click to focus and then shoot. If your subject moves when you're doing all of that, half click again and shoot. Simpler? Use both and see.

Warning: Please note that the above is just an opinion. I don't get paid by Nikon for writing any of it. As you already might have guessed, Canon doesn't pay me either.

Corporate dynamics

2009-11-05T16:31:00.000+05:30

The Dicks: This kind consists of the new joinees. Smart asses, just out of college. The kind that loves dropping not so subtle cheeky one liners. Like lines they used last year to pick up girls in school. But you're smarter than them right? You've been in a business longer than they have. So you give it right back and more often than not, they run out of comebacks. At the end of it all, they end up feeling really foolish. Gradually, cheeky one liners become less frequent when you enter the room. Ha ha... savor the moment.

The Dick "Heads": Mostly the top management. You know this kind well enough. You've probably seem them function every since you started working. The higher you climb the ladder the closer to get to them. The faster you learn the tricks. Of being a dash dash. This kind loves maintaining an aura around them. They give you every reason to hate your job. They cut your bonuses but still make it seem like the opportunities available here are the best in the industry. They're not. And you know it.

The Dildos: Every office has this. The female version of the dick but a little more experienced. Experienced in the art of manipulation. It's almost like they have a split personality and they're completely unaware of it. They get what they want by turning on and turning off the charm. Like an on and off switch. They think they have it. They don't. We see right through. Common, we weren't born yesterday. They're pretty, but dumb. End of story.

Chikmagalur

2009-11-02T11:49:00.000+05:30

Chikmagalur. A small town in Karnataka is one place I will never return to. Unless of course I have to. Get this. It's known for coffee plantations but the coffee here sucks. It doesn't smell like coffee. It doesn't taste like coffee... Bah.. you'd think that they'd probably take the effort to roast the beans before serving it to you right? WRONG... They'd roast the beans and pack it off to bigger towns.

Step into any Barista in Bangalore, and spend 55 bucks for a coffee. You'll love it. You'd be crazy to drive 5 hours to chikmagalur. The place is no great shakes either. You pack a DSLR, a tripod, 3 lenses, a couple of filters, a memory card and a fully charged battery. Only there's absolutely nothing worth shooting. You spend 2 days scouting for a good enough location only to realise once you get there, its completely covered by fog.

Warning: Im not saying that Chikmagalur is a bad place to shoot. It may be a great place to shoot when the weather is good. I was once told by an amateur photographer that a 30 minute drive to Bababudangiri hills will give you great sunset/sunrise shots. I went to Chikmagalur to catch this. But i soon decided that coming back to get this shot is probably not worth the effort.

Finally we leave and half way back to bangalore I decide to pull out my SLR for the first time. I caught a glimpse of a nice sun burst in my rear view mirror. And the picture below goes down in my "Go on a trip and end up shooting nothing" scrapbook.

God bless

2009-10-26T11:47:00.000+05:30

The Buddha statue carved out of a single rock, taken at the Hussain Sagar lake in Hyderabad.

Feeling kinda bleah..

2009-09-30T11:12:00.000+05:30

The sky's gloomy. Overcast and depressing. Cant wait for October.

Bungee jumping and sex

2009-09-25T16:37:00.000+05:30

You know how magazines covers have blurbs of text on them? Well, I get tons of magazines in the office and you see all kinds of crazy shit on them.

This month, on the cover of Femina - "Bungee jumping and sex. Yes there's a connect."

What??? How could there be a connect between bungee jumping and sex? Well, I dunno... strange eh? Yeah.. well.. ok... maybe, there's one thing in common.

When I jumped in 2006, 10 seconds in to the jump, my bungee cord had fully stretched out. At that moment, it felt like the cord was slipping off my ankle.

In a totally unrelated incident, one time, it felt like my condom was slipping off my dangle.

Worst kinda weekend

2009-09-25T16:32:00.000+05:30

When you have 3 days off and you know you're not stepping outta town.

Mine or yours

2009-09-22T11:04:00.000+05:30

10 pm.

Dinner - check. Fluffing pillows - check. Pulling out blankets - check. Keeping remotes and mobiles within arms reach - check. Most importantly, keeping a slab of dark chocolate between us - check. Unwrapping it - check. We're both supposed to be on a diet by the way.

After 3 pieces each.

She - Thats enough.

Me - No I want more.

She - You're supposed to be on a diet you know...

Me - Yeah but I've hurt my ankle and I need all the energy I can get.

She - Ok if you're having, give me also a piece.

Me - What about your diet?

She - Yeah i know, but I don't want you to finish my share ok... It was my slab in the first place.

Licking fingers - check.

______________________

That was my side of the story. For her side of the story click here.

Retailing it!

2009-09-16T10:05:00.000+05:30

You remember the time you were 10? You'd have salesmen knocking on your door through the day. Sometimes even at night. One of the reasons we all had dogs when we were young was probably to shoo them away.

They'd come along lugging around big bags of just about anything. Toys, utensils, groceries, dairy products, books, pencils, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, furniture, petro cards and a whole lot of other blah blah. The list goes on. But you get the drift. Back in the day, they learnt that the customer was god.

Lets make his shopping experience completely hassle free. He needs a refrigerator? Lets send a catalogue to his doorstep through our best salesman. Lets also give him free delivery, seeing that he stays in an apartment complex. If he's happy he'll refer us. Lets install it for him. And just to seal the deal, lets throw in 3 cartons of milk... FREE. And if he still doesn't agree, we'll also pack in a one year free service bonus. He wont ever need to step out that door.

And as always, times change. Door to door salesmen lost their jobs. You can blame the damn dogs for that. Retail stores have replaced door to door selling. If you need something as basic as a pack of cigarettes, you have to get up, go for a walk to the nearest store and pick it up yourself. You might as well take your dog along. Thats probably the only exercise it's gona get.

Compare selling today. You walk into a Nike store. You see a group of salesmen at the cash counter probably talking about the latest flick, or their respective girl problems. They see you but cant decide if you're worthy enough for their attention. You know you want to buy a pair of running shoes but you're not really sure what kind. You pick up a shoe that you think you like. Someone hobbles over from the cash counter.

He: May I help you sir?

Me: Yes please. I was looking for a running shoe

He: Sure sir, we have this entire wall of running shoes.

Me: Hmm, holding one up. Can I try this? I'm a size 8.

He: Sure sir. I'll just get your size.

10 minutes later

He: Sorry sir we don't have your size in that.

Me: Do you know if I can pick it up from another Nike store?

He: No sir, I don't think any store has this.

Me: Can you check please?

He: No sir, our phone lines are down.

Me: Can i leave my phone number here? Can you get back to me once your phone lines are up and running?

He: Er.. yes.

Me: Do you have a pen? or a comments book?

He: Our comments book is on the cash desk sir.

Me: (Walking towards the cash desk) Pen please.

He: Sorry sir, I don't have pen.

Me: !@$#@%#@$%@#

He: #@$@%#% good riddance.

Me: Making up my mind never to walk into that store again.

Salesmen back in the day, would visit your doorstep again and again hoping to make a sale. They would come back with another size, with 5 different colors, a little something extra for the kids in the house and if thats not enough, they will also come back with the same smile they left with the first time. They would bend over backwards to fulfill your every wish. Yet, today, salesmen in retail stores expect you to dress up, leave your house, drive 15 minutes, spend half an hour finding parking, and walk 20 minutes to the store. What's worse is that you still walk out empty handed... and pissed.

Would you let "god" (AKA the customer) walk out of your house... pissed and disappointed? The only way you can get god to visit again is if you go out of your way to please him. He might even bring his gopiyas next time. But he has to think you're worth it.

How i met Aditi

2009-09-15T16:54:00.001+05:30

You know how you feel minutes before you meet a celebrity? Well, you're able to handle it pretty well if you know that it's probably gona be something like...

- Hi :D

- how you doing?

- I'm such a big fan

- These are great mushrooms and...

- Good night.

But what if you know that its gona be more like...

- Hi :D (giving my best smile)

- How you doing?

- I've heard so much about your music

- These are great mushrooms and...

- I wana marry your daughter. I'm Sindhi by the way.

Beach bums!

2009-09-15T13:44:00.000+05:30

5 things I love about a beach holiday

1) Waves

2) Dunking people

3) Sand

4) Beer

5) Great sunsets shots

5 things I hate about a beach holiday

1) You stink of fish

2) Sand in your hair

3) Sand in your trunks

4) Your tanned skin starts peeling off the following week

5) Your Camera isn't water proof

Happy first anniversary!!!

2009-09-08T17:06:00.000+05:30

Trying hard to be sociable

2009-09-02T11:22:00.000+05:30

Most people initiate conversations with a question. Some of them ask multiple ones to stretch a conversation. Yet some, jump to the next question before you've finished answering the first. I know two such people in my life. I don't understand them.

Bumped into Person 1 on a busy street.

Person 1: How was your trip to South Africa?

Me: Oh it was wonderful. Very very scenic and....

Person 1: Oh my driver has come. See you around.

Bumped into Person 2 at a party.

Person 2: Hey, how you doing?

Me: Good and you?

Reva who was with me: (smile)

Person 2: How was your trip?

Me: Great. Hows wor....

Person 2: How are you Reva?

Reva: I've been ...

Person 2: So why don't we get a drink?

Me: Sure, what do you....

Person 2: (To someone else he just spotted) Hey, how are the folks? Catch you two later :D

"I Don't give a piss"

2009-08-31T11:08:00.000+05:30

While some Restaurants in Bangalore have realised that customer service is the one most important thing ever, some of them just don't give a piss.

We walked into Frescos (Cunningham Road, Bangalore) on Friday night at 10.35 pm. The place was kinda full. We sat at one of the 3 empty tables near the bar. This is where the owner normally sits during the day. It's like his office. Only, instead of coffee on the table, there's beer. And instead of a stack of papers, there's a stack of kebabs and instead of colleagues, there's a group of friends/socialites/whatever.

Thats good right? (NO) We got to sit in the owner's office. Service cant possibly be bad can it?( WRONG).

5 minutes later, we're still twiddling thumbs, hoping and praying that someone brings us a menu. We get impatient. We try our best to get the attention of "anyone". Finally someone sees us waving madly and walks right over.

He:"Yes?"

Me: "Can I get the menu please?"

He: ("Huh? What's that?"). Oh yes yes Menu.. sure.

Me: (Isn't it customary to hand a menu to someone who walks in?)

Waiter brings the menu and disappears again. Since I'm close to the bar, I just stand up and ask the bar tender if the bar's still open. He confirms that it is.

Waiter appears again. Looking totally lost.

Me: Excuse me?

He: Huh? (Who said that?)

Me: Can i get a Whisky and a Coke?

He: The bar is closed sir.

Me: The bar tender just told me it's open.

He: Ohhh... (Says something to the bar tender in telugu in a tone that almost suggests murder) ok sir what do you want?

Me: Whisky and coke..

He (to the bar tender): One whiskey and water

Me (a little louder now): Whiskey and Coke!!!

He: Oh sorry sir. (to the bar tender), One Whisky and One Water.

Me (giving up -- to the bar tender): Whiskey and COKE.

He: Ohhhh... by the way, this is last order.

Me: (%^&$^%^$#)

On our way out, I see the steward for the first time. He looks at me, a little startled, like I appeared out of thin air, quickly gathers himself and casually says "Thank you boys"....

What? Im with two girls? What did he say? Thank you boys?

Well, he really said "Thank you very much". But I just couldn't get that. He was slurring.

Why me?

2009-08-27T17:30:00.000+05:30

A little less than a year ago, I bought a macbook. A couple of days ago, I saw cracks on the casing.

Earlier this year I bought an iphone. Last week I saw a crack on the body.

Last month, I bought a Swift... God help me!

What they're doing to us...

2009-08-25T17:06:00.000+05:30

Director: I want you to cut costs immediately.

HR: How?

Director: I dunno... Put a freeze on bonuses and hikes this year.

HR: But attrition?

Director: Arrgghhh... tell them its recession time. They wont go anywhere.

HR: But we're doing well in India.

Director: I know we are, but everyones using that excuse, so why shouldn't we?

HR: Err...I dont think it will work...

Director: Try it.. if it doesn't, we'll change work timings and make days longer. We'll also make them work on Saturdays. I need more productivity.

HR: At their present salary's with no overtime?

Director: Obviously.

HR: But its against the law.

Director: Arrrgghhh...Tell them its good for work life balance. Come up with a theory and some statistics to prove it. Also dig out some articles from timeswellness.com. They wont know what hit them.

HR: Humm.. Ok sounds good.

Director: Er.. also try to reduce the CTC of a few employees..

HR: What? How do you expect me to do that?

Director: Tell them since they've been performing well, the company is willing to shift them laterally as an "All Round Development" initiative. But since they have no experience in that department, we'll have to cut their salaries by half. But its good for them in the long run.

HR: Then who's going to do the jobs they were initially hired for?

Director: They will still do it, we'll just lengthen their job profile and tell them they need more challenges. Come up with another theory on "Job Enrichment". You might want to refer that text book..what's it called now?.. er.. er... "Best HR Practices adopted in 2008" or some such gas.

HR: Who wrote it?

Director: I did.

HR: Never mind. I wanted to check with you...

Director: Oh wait.. another brain wave just came to me. We should do something about claims.

HR: What about claims?

Director: We should stop people from claiming them.

HR: You mean you want them to pay their bills and incur travel and cell phone expenses for the company, and not be reimbursed?

Director: You're finally catching on.

HR: Why would they accept that?

Director: Tell them its a new policy.

HR: Now you're pushing it.

Director: Ok ok... Er.. Lets make the claim process a complex one. Make them all fill out 20 forms for a claim. Tell them to get their bosses to sign on them. Oh and tell them that it needs to reach HR within 24 hours of incurrence. No exceptions. And tell them that its a new "Improving Efficiency and Promptness" initiative or something like that.

HR: Okie...

Director: Now what was it? You wanted to ask me something?

HR: The prospective recruit wants 20 percent more. We need to close this ASAP. He has other offers.

Director: Does he? Hmm.. we do need someone to fill that vacancy. Make him believe that this is a great place to work in. Tell him that 20% will be spent on his training. Which will be paid for by the company. And if he leaves within a year, we will have to charge it back to him. Say it confidently so he knows we mean business. Also, when he joins, give him a weeks induction and throw some concepts at him. Borrow some theories from the Business Development dept. They actually know how to bullshit.

HR: Yeah I know what you mean. "A dummies guide to bullshitting effectively" is treated like a bible there.

Director: What? When did that one come out?

HR: About a decade ago.

Director: Really? Who wrote it?

HR: You did.

Director: Oh yeah... :D

Taps at Windsor Pub

2009-08-20T20:56:00.000+05:30

I love the tap at Windsor Pub. I love sitting there sipping my draft, biting into cottage cheese fingers and rattatatt-ing and clickaty-clicking on my macbook.

A group of 17 year olds walked in and sprinted towards the only unoccupied table. Even before they've settled down, someone screamed "That was a tough paper muchaaaaa..I need some beerrrrr now". As usual, they were annoyingly loud, and annoyingly short on vocab; like we were, close to 10 years ago.

A couple occupying the next table seemed like they were disturbed by the young group. Well actually the woman seemed disturbed. The guy on the other hand looked kinda relieved. You know how sometimes, its apparent in couples, that the female is more interested in making sure her male is constantly giving her attention. He would rather be somewhere else, probably guzzling down beer with his guy friends. But he knows what's good for him... and decides to spend a quiet night with her. Bored shitless. He probably thinks its better to be bored than single.

Another group of people were downing mugs at the counter. I went on rattatat-ting on my macbook and when i looked up, 5 minutes later, a packed house was now only half full. Half the tables, the whole counter, and a couple of waiters suddenly went missing. Everyone was out, blowing smoke rings or at-least attempting to. Even the two waiters accompanied them, just to make sure no one takes off... without paying.

The only conceivable reason for placing a 32 inch on the counter, is probably to shield the bar tender when he's digging his nose or downing taps himself. The bald guzzler was squinting at the screen from time to time. From where he was sitting, it could only be viewed from an angle of 180 degrees. Yet he almost doubled up backwards on his bar stool to catch a glimpse of a 22 year old playing a perfectly executed on drive. How bored he must be... sitting there making small talk with a whole bunch of "like minded" young adults. When i say "like minded" I mean a young stud who's shaved his head and both his eyebrows, a chica that walks and swears like a man and a forty year old that sports formal pants coupled with shiny white Nikes. Oh, by the way, there are tons of these kinda folks at Koshys. Only, its a little too hot to sit there for hours, which is why I'd pick Windsor Pub any day.

Even though, sometimes, you're unlucky enough to be stuck with a group of noisy brats, more often than not, it is a great small place to drink, eat, chill, work, meet people, talk, write, observe and laugh. I should tell you that if you go there after 8pm, you will have to risk not getting a table.

Cheers!! I mean Beerss!!

When you're stressed, honk.

2009-08-04T09:48:00.000+05:30

I cant for the life of me understand why people honk. It's like you don't need a reason anymore. Still, I've put down some most common reasons for honking in India...

- When a bike cuts you in front and you want to tell him that he's a MF.

- When a car cuts you in front and you want show him the finger.

- When the signal turns green but you still cant move, coz the auto in front of you refuses to start. The auto driver then gets off and starts pushing it to the side. By the time he actually gets out of your way, the signal turns red again. By now, you've exhausted your battery completely by honking.

- When you test a newly installed battery for the horn.

- When you test a newly installed horn after your old one's worn out.

- At a jam, when you want a girl to turn towards you, so that you can take a look at her face. You're tired of staring at the back of her head. If you keep honking, she would wonder what the f you are honking for and would invariably turn around?

- When a cop's standing in the middle of the road and thinks it's perfectly normal. You suddenly remember all the bribes you've given cops in the past. You hate his kind. You just want to insult him. So you honk.

- When a cop car is parked in "no parking" and you don't approve.

- When someone honks for no reason and you just want to tell him to shut up.

- For fun.

- When you're bored and want to create your own music.

- When you see an auto driver pissing on the road.

- When someone tries to steal your parking spot by slyly sliding right into it when you're slowly backing up.

- When someone spits on your car from a bus window. (believe me, this happens)

Rapists should be ...

2009-08-04T09:21:00.000+05:30

A 15 year old girl was gang raped in Mumbai. She committed suicide the very next day. I hate rapists.

What if we were to sentence them to one whole day of being fucked in the ass with something thats larger than a 650 ml beer bottle and rougher than stand stone?

Its pissing down again

2009-07-29T09:09:00.000+05:30

I was sitting in South Africa, chatting with a local.

"Do you have, like, elephants and lions roaming on the streets of India? I mean isn't that scary?"

"Well, we do have cattle and the occasional politician but as far as elephants and lions go, they're actually quite tame."

Don't we have bigger problems here? First of all, it would be impossible for elephants and lions to roam the streets during these months. I mean have you even seen what the roads are like these days? I dont think cats like getting their feet wet.Elephants may enjoy the occasional bath but imagine wading through all that dirty water everyday. Now, Hippos would love it, but last I heard, they dont make those in India.

I just heard that someone in Gurgaon had to switch off his engine, climb on the roof of his car and call for help. Why? coz his gearbox was filled with water.Water that fell from the sky. I mean I've heard of rain water harvesting, but this is ridiculous.

Apparently damage caused to your car due to floods is not even covered by the Insurance companies. They don't cover damages caused by natural calamities (because of how frequently they occur).

Just google "floods in India" and take a look at the images that pop up on your screen. Or if you're the lazy kind, just look at the sketch below. Seriously, do you think elephants and lions actually want to go through all that?

Kicking Butt

2009-07-16T10:41:00.000+05:30

Its been close to 6 years. And i still haven't been able to quit. I've been through 3 failed attempts over the last 6 years. The most recent of which was most successful (even though it seems like its failing right now).

It all started one day in college. We were out for an "industrial tour". Being a student of management, importance is given to a practical understanding of how industries function. Being completely alien to it, with no previous experience of actually working in an organisation, it seemed that it might actually be informative.

60 budding managers, hopped into a train and left for Pune. Coz we dont have any industries in Bangalore you know. 60 budding managers, out of which 25 of them had already mastered management. They had mastered the art of managing to blow smoke rings in windy conditions. Something thats quite impressive to someone like me (someone who wants to try a cig for the first time).

Our rooms get allotted once we get to Pune, and I learn that I'm sharing a room with two smokers. Just my luck. We unlock the door and enter with baggage and one of them straight away starts digging for a ciggie, furiously turning out his pockets. The other looks on patiently and pulls out a matchbox. This entire exercise is beautifully coordinated. Just when the digger, pulls out a couple of ciggies and offers one to his associate, the associate, still calm and collected, strikes a match. Its like he knew when exactly the butts would kiss their lips and was counting down from the second he pulled out that match box.

Anyway, thats when I expressed to them both that I would like to try a couple of drags. I was of course treated like I just went mental. Why I elicited such shocked responses was beyond me. What's so mental about wanting to try a puff or two? You both have done it for years. Now give me one of those sticks.

Two drags, and I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I could hear laughter for a good 20 seconds, after which one of them was kind enough to teach me how to inhale. I did. They expected me to cough. I didn't. I was a natural. And guess what? I liked it. There was no stopping me after that. I got sucked into it. Eventually I mastered the art of managing to blow smoke rings in windy conditions.

In my head, I always thought that once I achieve that, I'd quit. But I couldn't. Twice I tried. Both times I developed rashes on my face and body. So I started again. Within a week of quitting.

Most recently (July 12th, 09) I quit again. I went strong for 2 days and had 1 on day 3 and 3 on day 4. What's most annoying is that every time you have an urge, you fulfill that urge by taking a few drags. And after you do, you feel like you've let yourself down. You're weak. And you don't really have the persistence.

What's worse is that you have a regular smoker within 10 feet of you at the office. The one who happily took regular smoke breaks with you. Also the one that runs a cigarette under your nose when he's just heard that you're trying to quit.

I've decided that I'm going to resist temptation hence forth. And every time I feel a strong urge, Im gonna make a run for it. Literally.

Pictures vs Snapshots

2009-07-09T16:19:00.000+05:30

A challenging drive home.

2009-07-02T15:40:00.000+05:30

You've just bought a new car. You take delivery, and you drive from Whitefield to Malleswaram. The car is not even registered. You've driven for close to 10 years. I'd say thats enough experience to manage the drive home without grounded chassis, scrapes, dents or scratches.

Yet, you want to leave as much distance as you can from the next vehicle. Only, we know thats not possible, coz whenever you get a new car, a standard feature that you get with the car is a magnetic force, attracting everything from cycles, to busses to beggars that start getting too close for comfort. You want to leave distance in the front but you cant, coz the dick heads at the back start honking. You cant drive fast and leave those dick heads behind coz you'll be rude to the L board driver in front of you by honking yourself.

To make matters worse we're driving in Bangalore right. At 7 pm. Peak hours. Everyones dying to get past you. So they can beat their earlier record of 57 minutes. "Oh man I did Whitefield to MG Road in 63 minutes... Beat that".

Lets not forget about those wonderful craters, AKA pot holes in the road that bikers absolutely love. It gives them reason to actually cut lanes without warning.

You on the other hand are actually scared to break hard when these pot holes magically appear outta nowhere. You fear that if you break too hard, a dick head on three wheels is going to ram his front wheel up your ass. So what choice are you left with? Just drive over the pot holes at 60 kmph and hope that Maruti actually threw in a good suspension (in addition to the standard magnetic force feature).

Your next challenge is to make sure that you dont ground your chassis on on one of those millions of speed humps. You're virtually driving at 5 kmph and somehow someone finds the need to spend our taxes on getting those speed humps placed. Still, I feel thats money being put to good use. It's better than digging up and mending a road for the 256th time in 3 months.

To top it all, it rains. And when it Rains in Bangalore, your new shiny black swift, gets slathered with mud (and spit). You can blame the standard magnetic force for this.

You finally drive home a new shiny car that looks like its just been in a rally. Its covered in mud, got a couple of spit marks on the bumper and a few lumps of dung stuck to the wheels. And did you know that the warranty is void the minute you use the car in a rally? How heartening.

You finally get home with a car that looks a year old. You park, trying to make sure its in a spot thats least likely to be in the way. You don't want someone else bumping your car on the first day when they're parking right? So you find a nice secluded corner under a tree. You then retire for the night in peace.

The next morning, you see crow shit on the handle of the door. The standard magnetic force feature hasn't worn off yet.

Beer at Barristers

2009-06-22T13:50:00.000+05:30

Beeerrrrrrr.............. bottoms up... burppppp

Into the wild!

2009-06-22T09:48:00.000+05:30

I've never really enjoyed shooting wildlife. Quite frankly i don't have the right equipment or the interest. I remember sitting in a jeep one chilly morning at 5 am in Nagarhole, holding on to the metal railing for dear life. Our driver was directing all his efforts to make sure his wheels hit each and every one of those pot holes, craters, and speed humps on the way. Its more fun that way no? NOT. Oh man it was painful. Really painful.

Doing a safari in South Africa, was a better experience. We were in a land cruiser this time. Plush interiors, good ride quality and a sun roof made all the difference.

Sipping beer at the waterfront

2009-06-22T09:34:00.000+05:30

Last day at Cape Town. 1 hour before we head for the airport. To get back to India. Home sweet home..NOT.. Drowning our sorrows in beer, at Quay Four. Sob sniff... we're leaving cape town...boohooooooooooooo

Wine Tasting at Spier

2009-06-18T10:01:00.001+05:30

From Cape Town, we took a 2 hour drive to the vineyards. We had heard about Spier, a resort that offers anyone and everyone, the experience of wine tasting, for a small fortune in return. We went straight to the bar and selected 3 wines a piece. I asked for 2 white and 1 sweet. I hated them all. Got a headache soon after.

I'm not saying that the wine was bad. But here's the deal. Unless you know a great deal about wine, there are chances that you will NOT enjoy it. It certainly wasn't worth the 2 hour drive in an SUV filled with people discussing the mundane work in Puma India.

Penguins

2009-06-17T14:07:00.001+05:30

Penguins shot at Boulders Beach, Cape Town, south Africa. Cute little rascals.

Shooting a Skoda

2009-06-15T11:30:00.000+05:30

For the first time, I tried my hand at shooting a car. A car enthusiast just bought a yellow Skoda Octavia RS and suped it up. We got into Palm Meadows in Whitefield to get a decent setting.

I was aiming to get some decent golden hour lighting at 5pm. Unfortunately, we got there and the sun decided to hide itself behind the clouds. AARRRGHHHH...

All dramatic shots were out of the question. Anyway, I went right ahead and fired a few rounds... Anyway, 150 frames later, I managed to pull these two shots out of the hat.

Firnagi India - Durban

2009-05-14T14:57:00.000+05:30

Durban apparently has a lot of Indians. All kinds. You also have Indian restaurants around. Well, its a pity that the chefs at the Indian restaurants dont make food as well as the chefs back home but its still edible none the less.

As a city, it aint that great but if you ever plan to visit Durban, make sure you stay at one of the beach resorts. Away from the city. Then, its probably worth it. But then again, why would you come to Durban for the beaches. Might as well go to the Maldives. Oh well, I also visited "ushaka" a sort of amusement park which boasts of dolphin shows, penguins, a lazy river, a turtle bay, artificial shark cage diving, and aquarium and the highest water slide in the country. Nothing great really, but if you have half a day and nothing to do, go there.

Taken from the 8th floor of the Southern Sun, Elangeni
Ushaka

Dolphins showing off

Penguins.

Cute little rascals.

A walk through the aquarium

The BIG Hole, Kimberley

2009-05-13T01:20:00.000+05:30

Kimberley, The City that Sparkles. The city that sleeps at 10 pm, but sparkles none the less. More than a hundred and twenty years ago, De Beers started a mine in Kimberly now known as the Big Hole. It's the largest man made excavation in the world. It's believed that he managed to extract more than 2000 kilograms of diamonds till date. Thats like 1,00,00,000 carats. I was lucky enough to stay in a guest house known as The Victorian Guest Lodge. A small, charming place run by a local family. Fantastic hospitalty with luxurious rooms, located very close to the Big Hole. You should look it up if you plan to ever visit Kimberley. Kimberley is a small town, at most 10 kms in diametre. Quite and peaceful. A weekend getaway. Stay there more than 2 days and be prepared to get bored. Anyway the two places I happened to visit were The Big Hole and Kamfers Dam. I saw the excavation and was quite amused by its size. To be frank I thought it would be bigger than it is. Apparently, many slaves died when land caved in on them. Hundreds killed for the greed of one man. And yet we treat diamonds as a woman's best friend. Wake up guys. the're just stones at the end of the day. Kamfers dam was the second place I visited during my short stay in Kimberley. The only official breeding place for flimingoes in the world. Unfortunately for us and fortunately for the flamingoes, this is not a tourist spot. There is no access to the damn itself. If you wish to see these birds, you need to climb over a fence, cross a railway track and even then, the view aint good enough. Ah well. I did get to see them eventually. I desperately need a 600 mm lens.

Flamingoes at Kamfers Dam
A sea of birds

Kamfers Dam

The big hole ramp, leading to the viewing point.

Ramp again

The Big Hole

4 Weeks in RSA

2009-05-13T01:07:00.000+05:30

I've been here for 4 weeks now. I've seen Cape Town, Durban, Jo'burg, Port Elizabeth, East London and Kimberly, all in the last 4 weeks. None of them worth seeing except for Cape Town. You would think that Jo'burg, being the capital would probably be the best of the lot. Well, its the biggest no doubt. It's the business hub of RSA. Its got better infrastructure, more people and of course more crime. I hate it. Well, there are casinos, night clubs blah blah blah...but you just dont enjoy it anymore. Why should Jo'burg be the city that represents RSA? Why is it the Capital? Beats me. I hate it...I hate the traffic. I hate the fact that people here are so rushed and busy. Its just too noisy a place. If I ever come back to RSA on a personal visit, Im heading straight to Cape Town. To hell with the rest of South Africa.

Thats Jo'burg below. Now do you really want to go there? Think twice.

East London, South Africa

2009-05-09T15:45:00.000+05:30

We drove from Port Elizabeth to East London one afternoon and I took a walk that evening. Unfortunately it was a bad day for a walk on the beach. One side of the sky was sunny while the other was covered with clouds. Maybe its that time of the year, but all the beaches i've been to in South Africa so far were extremely windy. Imagine walking on a beach with layers of clothing, being pushed around by strong wind, feeling cold and depressed. Cant really imagine a beach like that right?

Yeah well, all thanks to the winter kicking in.

Missing Cape Town

2009-05-03T21:08:00.000+05:30

I envy the people living in Cape Town. Its very very scenic. The kind of landscapes you see here are fantastic. Fortunately for me, I was packed off and sent to South Africa on work.

Im here for the Indian Premier League. I get to sit in a box. I get to pig out of free drinks and free food. More often than not, Im always watching the match with a glass of beer in my hand. I get to travel with two teams. The Deccan Chargers and the Rajasthan Royals. I get to rub shoulders with Gilly. I even get to have lunches with Scott Styris.

On certain days, i take the time off to visit tourist spots armed with my SLR, a jacket and sometimes with a flimsy tripod. But that was in Cape Town. I've heard nasty stories about gun point experiences at Jo'burg, Port Elizabeth and East London. Which is why I've not even bothered to take a stroll with my camera.

However, I've been here since the 16th of April and intend to stay till the 26th of May. And I'm starting to feel lonely. I miss my wife. I miss the guys from Puma India. I miss Mum and Dad. and I miss chilling with Aditi, Niyu and Ravi.

May started with Reva's bday. I missed her. I wish she was here with me. We could drive to Camps Bay together. Maybe down a bottle of white wine and look at the sunset.

Today's the third of May. I made a few desktop calendars from pictures taken at Cape Point and at Camps Bay. I normally send them out to a whole lot of people month after month. I thought I'll put the MAY ones up here. All these were taken at Cape Town. I wana go back to Cape Town. Reva, get here fast. We've got to go to Cape Point, Camps Bay, Table Mountain and to the Wine yards.

Camps Bay - We got a fantastic view at 6.45 pm. The sun had set. Clouds were below us and cars were zipping by with their headlights on.

The setting sun at Camps Bay
Standing on firm ground and yet above the clouds...

On top of Cape Point. I wish I had a polorising filter.

The sun setting behind table mountain. I caught this through the window in my room.

Table mountain again. This time, caught from the table top.
On the way to Cape Point, we made a few stops.

Camps bay again. Im so glad i had my flimsy tripod.

Table Mountain

2009-04-22T13:46:00.000+05:30

When I arrived at Cape Town, all I wanted to do was to go shoot the much talked about Table Mountain. I wanted to shoot it from a distance, with the sea in the foreground and the sun setting in the background. I havent got a chance to do that yet. But I did manage to go up Table mountain and shoot the city from top. I went there yesterday at about 12 noon. Came back a bit disappointed. Obviously I knew the light wasn't right. So I made a note to come back one evening during 5 and 6 to catch the light of the setting sun.

At 5 pm I decided to leave the hotel to find a vantage point to shoot Table Mountain from a distance. I did a quick google and found that Blouberg strand would be a good place to start. I sat in the Audi, fed in Blouberg and zoomed away. Forty minuted later I was completely lost. Blouberg didnt look anything like the place I saw on the net. The sun was setting fast and I knew just had 50 minutes to get a few good shots in. Not wasting any time, I put the car on Sports mode and sprinted towards table mountain. Climbed up finally at 6.15 and managed to get a couple of decent shots. It was way too windy though. I even had trouble getting my tripod to stay still.

Camps Bay

2009-04-22T13:25:00.000+05:30

Here's what I did. I rented an Audi. Rented a GPS unit, fed Camps Bay in it and took off. Its one hell of a drive. When driving past, you see mountains on your left and the sea on your right. One thing you got to make sure is that you get here during sunset.

Now Camps Bay has these certain vantage points which offer you the best view from the top and you can see these when you drive. But forget about stopping and getting your camera out. There is absolutely no place to pull over. If you want to really enjoy it, make sure you take a 10 km walk downhill. It will be tiring but its definitely worth it. Make sure you're armed with a jacket and that you weigh well over 80 kgs. You dont want to get blown away from the strong wind.

I managed to pull over at a few places but wasnt really satisfied with my shots. Got back home and realised I was shooting at ISO 800. That was a bummer. Obviously I noticed a lot of grain in my pictures. Aaaahhh oh well. Here they are.

What's the big deal?

2009-04-13T11:11:00.000+05:30

I've spent 26 years of my life getting familiar with Bangalore. I studied at a college which was on Brigade Road for 2 years. I spent a hell lot of time walking up and down that high street. I've seen shops come and go. I was also around when the first CCD, then known as Cyber Cafe became a hangout for coffee connoisseurs.

Yet, I have never seen Pecos or Fanoos. Didn't really understand what the big deal was. Given a choice I'd rather spend a hot sunny day, in campus playing a casual game of cricket with like minded teetotallers and vegetarians.

They're both holes in the wall. And yet, when i tell a true patron that I havent been to either of these landmarks, I manage to elicit the following response everytime. "WHAT??? YOU HAVENT BEEN TO PECOS/FANOOS? HUMM...."

Mysore as my base for the weekend - Day 2

2009-04-09T17:16:00.001+05:30

On day two, we got in the car and visited the Gumbaz and Sangam which is about 15 kms from Mysore. Again, it was the wrong time of the day for pictures.

I seemed to have planned my visits without thinking at all. 5 pm would've been apt. The sun wouldnt be too harsh, and we could really get some good golden hour pictures. To be frank,I didnt really have the patience to ensure an early evening visit. Besides, driving at night is a pain. Anyway, managed to get some "for the sake of shooting" pictures at these two locations.

Wevu being patiently cute while I walked off with my camera.
The Gumbaz sunbathing in the hot blazing sun.

Wevu on the banks of the river, sitting pretty.
Performing last rites.
Mixed emotions. Members of a family performing the last rites of a loved one while members of another family enjoying a ride on the coracle.

Chaddi pals.

Mysore as my base for the weekend - Day 1

2009-04-09T15:20:00.000+05:30

Road trips are fun. They're fun cos you're on your own. They're fun coz you have the option of keeping a chiller stuffed with cold beers at the back. They're fun coz you dont have a definite agenda. And they're fun coz you dont have to put up with public transport in India.

We sat in a car and drove to Mysore, stopping at Ranganthittu, a bird santuary to try our hands at shooting birds. Reached there and realised, we dont have a tele lens. We knew we wouldn't get good shots with an 18-135 at 3.5 - 5.6, but decided to rent out a private boat anyway. The timing was wrong. 11 am in the morning? What was I thinking?

250 bucks lighter and 30 minutes later, we were less than happy with ameature looking pictures. I made a mental note of going back there with a tele some day.

We then drove another 10 km and shacked up at Ginger. That evening, we decided to go shoot Mysore palace during twilight. I love twilight shots. They give you brilliant results. We were at the gates at 6pm, set up the tripod, chose a good vantage point and started clicking. 2 and a half hours later we produced these...

Be Humble

2009-04-02T16:03:00.000+05:30

I was at a shoot with a star... so called star. Someone who hasn't even seen real success. Someone who's probably just about getting there.

It astonishes me that people can be such perpetual assholes. How hard is it to be humble? Fine your a budding STAR in the cricketing world. Does that give you the license to behave like a demanding, greedy and snobbish bastard?

One bit of advice. Be humble. You wont lose a thing.

Check

2009-03-29T20:33:00.001+05:30

Just checking an iPhone application. I love technology :)

Posted with LifeCast

bangalorewalks.com

2009-03-23T14:29:00.000+05:30

I went for a walk yesterday that literally knocked out my entire day. If you browse through bangalorewalks.com, you'll see that they conduct guided walks across different parts of Bangalore. I've never really enjoyed History, but yesterday was something different. It was a session on Victorian Bangalore. We walked the entire length of MG Road taking in the little tidbits and unfathomable stories of a few historical landmarks.

Well the walk itself lasted 3 hours as promised. However, I've been out of shape for a couple of years. So the 3 hour walk actually became a 3 hour walk + 3 hours of deep sleep and finally an hour spent on nursing my aching head for which I quickly blamed the hot sun.

It was a day well spent. A good solid lesson on History made me realize that if people hadn't evolved eventually, we'd still be slaves to Monarchy. Monarchs back then were cruel and Im glad they're fucking DEAD.

A few snapshots taken during the walk.

Breakfast at Koshys

Humm
All ears
Getting a History lesson
Our history teacher for the day.

Ripped to shreads. Plaza theatre on MGs.

Still Standing. A bungalow on MGs
Even I've got an iphone.
Climbing down the bell tower at Trinity Church
Trinity church at 7 am.
Armed and ready